I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just invented taco cereal.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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