Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
