i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
