Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
