Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just forgot I was standing up.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
