You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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