My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
