her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You have to summon your inner elephant
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
