dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
