I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
