i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
