Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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