I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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