I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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