Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
