awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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