I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
