I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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