It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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