everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
