so that wasnt chicken after all
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize