Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
