they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
