there's paper in my vomit.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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