im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
