How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
