Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
