best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
