They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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