I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
