you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
