I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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