i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
