i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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