6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
try to milk me bitch
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
