I got chris browned last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
