do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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