i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
