oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
