i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I deserve this hangover.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize