pop tarts are not kleenex
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
