I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
