i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
