I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
