How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
