The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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