i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
