I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
