I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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