I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
