i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
