Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
