fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's official drugs can't kill me
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
