You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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