My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The beers last night were like the tears from god
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize