First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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