I skipped work to stalk him.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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