He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
