mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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