don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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