I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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