and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
