Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
